Evolutionary Missing Link Found in New Bedford

Living Half-Man, Half-Ape Creature Discovered

University of Massachusetts scientists have discovered what science had failed to find after decades of searching -- the elusive link between humans and their evolutionary ape ancestors. 

According to University of Massachusetts zoologist Dr. Ben Tenrah, there had been reports of an ape-like man living in New Bedford. Most dismissed the situation merely as a man who resembled an ape. Curiosity got the best of Dr. Ben and he went in search of the ape-man. Dr Ben approached the creature and tried to obtain consent for an examination but only received angry growls. Not one to give up easily, Dr. Ben was able to conduct DNA analysis from a beer can discarded by the creature. To his astonishment, the results were something never seen before. DNA that was not human and not ape! What is even more astonishing is that the creature is able to communicate in human language and is actually married to New Bedford City Councilor Debora Coelho. Other than that, little is known about the creature except that it is believed that his diet consists mainly of fish and beer (usually Budweiser).

New Bedford's Mysterious ApeMan

What happens next is unknown. Not only are there scientific challenges, but legal ones also. Since the creature is not human, the courts will need to decide if the creature has any constitutional rights and whether the marriage is legal. Since the Coelhos have no children, some scientists speculate that the creature is sterile. Other scientists maintain that any offspring from such a coupling could be a horrible mutant. At this time, it is not even yet known whether the ApeMan has ever attempted to mount his mate.

Former New Bedford Mayor Scott Lang is believed to be an advocate of housing the creature in the Whaling Museum. Sources close to Lang say that he maintains that the Whaling Museum "has mostly old bones and rusty buckets and is pretty damn boring." Lang is excited that a Living ApeMan exhibit would revive the mundane museum and the entire city, "We don't have gambling but we have a Living ApeMan. No one else has that."

Debora Coelho and ApeMan husband "Tony"
As the Saying goes, you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig.
Or in this case, still the ApeCouple