Santa Assaulted in New Bedford

North Front Street Attack Leaves Santa in Hospital on Christmas Eve

A Christmas Eve robbery in New Bedford's infamous crime-infested near north end resulted in Santa Claus being taken to the hospital and several bags of Christmas booty being stolen. According to Angus Melon of the New Bedford Police Department, Santa suffered a broken clavicle and was taken to St. Lukes hospital in New Bedford. Santa requested to be transfered to Rhode Island Hospital, since, frankly, St. Lukes isn't very good. 

Santa knows the alleged attackers and they've been on his naughty list for several years. According to Melon, the perpetrators are in the country illegally. Under international treaty, the perpetrators must be dealt with under North Pole law. An elf source stated that Santa intends to "cap their asses".

Santa usually makes New Bedford an early stop on his annual route since there are many good boys and girls in the city. A spokesman for Santa stated that Mr. Claus is upset with many of the grownups in the city who have been very naughty for a long time. Santa has a lump of coal for the school superintendent Tia Gherkin. According to Santa, she is a "royal bitch and deserves a good kick in the ass". Also on Santa's naughty list is the entire city council (especially Debora CoelHo Ho Ho, What a HO!), the Standard Times, and all the people responsible for destroying the environment and raising electric rates with a harebrained offshore wind scheme. According to Santa, the Standard Times prints a lot of stupid crap and endorses public policy and candidates which benefit the cronies at the expense of the nice boys and girls and moms and dads in the city. 

Melon stated that Santa will be unable to complete his route this year due to injuries sustained in the New Bedford attack. Talks are underway with washed-up actors from bad Christmas movies to find a replacement.

The New Bedford city council is currently investigating a plan to increase street lighting in high crime neighborhoods. The holdup appears to be concerns about the additional costs possibly affecting the City Council Pension Fund. If ever actually implemented, the improved lighting is too late for Santa.