Brian Gomes Saves Christmas!!

Gomes Completes Route in Record Time after Santa Claus Suffers Brutal Attack in New Bedford's Infamous North Front Street Crime Zone

After Angus Melon and the New Bedford Police Department were unable to find a suitable individual to replace Santa Claus this year, Brian Gomes went to Santa and asked if he could help. All the washed-up actors from bad Christmas movies that were being considered were either in drug rehabilitation or dead. Brian went to Rhode Island hospital where Santa was being treated and asked if he could fill in.

According to Santa, "Brian said that he could do just as good as any phony-baloney actor and I was hesitant. But, I have to say, Brian has spunk. I like spunk. Brian was the one who advised me to get out of St. Lukes. If I had stayed there, they might have really HO HO HOsed me up. All Brian's hard work to save Christmas this year more than makes up for the thousands of times Brian irritated the living daylights out of people with his infernal grandstanding. Yes, Brian can be quite a blowHO HO HOle."

Brian Gomes, Hero

Santa continued, "I heard that there were a couple times when Brian nearly soiled his trousers when he heard gunshots in Detroit and Philadelphia. I told him not to worry since the Christmas Magic usually deflects the bullets. But, just in case, the next time I visit North Front Street in New Bedford, I'm going to make sure that all the bags of Christmas loot are insured by Smith and Wesson."

Santa had some final words of encouragement for all the good boys and girls in New Bedford. "Always remember to keep the Christ in Christmas. If some people are offended by that, they can blow Santa's schlong."